I was confronted with the fragility of losing a loved one today when I saw a post on Instagram about a 21 year old man who committed suicide. He told his family he was going to the Ponds 4 days ago, reported missing 3 days ago and announced dead yesterday. As someone who has two younger brothers; one being fifteen and who frequently goes to the Ponds often, I couldn’t think of anything worse than hearing the news that he wouldn’t be returning home. I’m well aware that suicide is prevalent for both men and women, but for the sake of this condition and my personal concerns for my own brothers; I want to focus primarily on the urgency to check in with the boys and men in our lives.
Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians between the ages of 15 and 44, and 75% of those who take their life are men. 75%. Let that sink in. These suicides are more commonly linked to a range of distressing life events including relationship separation, financial problems, relationship conflict, bereavement and unemployment. Toxic masculinity impedes males from alleviating their stress, loneliness, depression, confusion and anger productively; driving them to cope with these emotions in alternative ways such as alcohol consumption, working longer hours, behaving recklessly, violently and withdrawing from family and friends. Many males feel like they can’t articulate their feelings with words and fear losing the respect from both men and women if they exhibit their pain.
Let me make this very clear. Check in. Check in always. Check in when they’re off. Check in when they’re quiet. Check in when they’re happy. Check in when they’re being normal. Check in even if you don’t think it’s necessary to check in. Always. Check. In. I urge you to take some time out of your day to reach out to at least one person today. I’ve listed some ways you can do so:
Shoot a message. Simply ask them how they’ve been or if a subtle approach is more suited, ask them what they’re doing New Years eve and whether they were excited for it. Ask them how work is going and whether they’re surviving holiday season.
Tell them you're thinking about them or something today reminded you of them.
Invite them out; for dinner, for drinks, for coffee, for a swim; for a walk. If they seem distant, drop by theirs quickly and say you were driving past.
Tag them in a meme.
Share a song with them and let them know they might like it.
Follow up with their life; if they have an exam coming up or an interview, write it in your diary and ask them how it went.
If it’s your siblings you’re concerned about but you don’t really open up to one another, message their friends and ask them.
Celebrate and congratulate all their wins; no matter how big or small.
Just keep reminding them that you’re still there. Utilise your love languages. There are so many things to attend to in the world right now, but begin with your immediate circle and nourish the people around you. Being a friend is rewarding work. As a woman who is transparent with her feelings often, I will never know the deep rooted struggle that males face with emotional expression but I recognise that I can do my part in creating an open environment to listen. I won’t give you my pity or advice or help if you don’t want it, but you have my attention - my door is always open for you. For those who need help, I challenge you to ask for it and for those of you who can help, I challenge you to offer it. I dare you to talk... not because it makes you weak, but because it requires true strength.