Grief and Revival

It has been almost been four years since I last published one of my writings on this platform and in that time, I had the trivial pleasure of getting to know life a little more intimately.

As I sat beside grief and sipped my coffee, I saw life for who it was. Or better yet, what it was. I saw how deep the blue can sink and yet how ironically shallow it is at the same time. I learned lessons of heartbreak, loss, change and ache. As I endured my twenties in all of its accessorised confusion, I found myself in a constant debate... sitting between "this is actually really hard" and "that's just how life is".

I think what I've come to learn is that both are true. And the belief in that has made me appreciate the mundane art of living that much more. Life can be hard and that's just the way it is.

If I'm being completely honest, looking back at the last four years feels like a fever dream. After experiencing the loss of a close family member, the separation of my family, saying goodbye to my childhood home, stepping into a new career path and multiple new homes, navigating my first relationship and an eventual heartbreak; while simultaneously grieving the loss of my past life while I navigate this shiny, new version. All I can say is... this shit is super confusing.

Beyond all of the “big scary stuff”, I feel like people don't talk about the ageing idiosyncrasies of life enough and how sad it can all feel. People don't mention the sting you feel when you notice your parents visibly ageing. The heartbreak of watching your younger siblings live the teenage life you were living only yesterday, knowing that you have surpassed those years forever. The lightning speed at which time flies. The foreign feeling of our bodies start to change and the appearance of grey hairs and wrinkles. You consistently feel like a victim of time; forced into an evolving chapter of ourselves, all while trying to preserve the old version of our lives for just a little longer.

This impermissible journey of life taught me so much about myself. After witnessing the fleeting life of another, I felt like I had a responsibility to live every day at 100% and 'live up to my potential'. But in reality, I found it really difficult to be present while I was hurting. I found it almost impossible to show up at times and just be there. I felt guilty for feeling that way and I felt like I wasn't grieving in the right way. I felt lost and confused and weak, although I knew that I had to be stronger than ever. The fragility of life didn't give me the kick up the ass I thought it would have and instead, I just endured the weirdness of it all. I now realise that that's all I needed to do.

I feel like I'm in a phase of my life where I can look back and honour the pain I once felt and know that I wasn't "grieving wrong" or "taking advantage of my time". I was simply just sad, because I lost a lot of things I once loved and unfortunately, that's just the way life is sometimes. It can be hard and that's okay. I now know that pain and grief is inevitably part of the lived experience; which also comes with a lot of beauty and love and learnings... and for that, I am so grateful.

I decided to create a new chapter on this platform called Grief and Revival where I share a series of thoughts, poems, letters, diary entries and notes that I had written from the last four years; a time where I sat beside grief or heartbreak or confusion and sipped its' bitterness.

I once held these writings close to my chest; however I think it's really important for me to share them. I think its important for us all to share these moments of life that may seem painfully deep at the time, but ultimately bring us back up to the surface.

With all the love, Chlo