I have always envied the people who seemed to habitually live their lives in a way that I only did when I was going through phases of an occasional health kick. I admired the effortlessness of their health care regimen; the ease of going to bed early, waking up at dawn, going for a swim, reading a book, eating fruit and vegetables, and tackling every daily task with intention and stillness.
Me drinking my 4-shot coffee every morning with another hangover had truly wanted to be that person but never identified myself with that lifestyle. I saw myself as the girl who loved to party and drink, the nightbird who craved dancefloors at dawn, cigarettes for breakfast and another wine to silence another hangover. It was in my blood. That’s who I was. It may come as no surprise that lockdown illuminated those self-destructive habits of mine, leading me into a hole of self-pity, shame, anxiety and embarrassment.
I merely didn’t like the person I was becoming but couldn’t seem to change because that’s just who I was.
It wasn’t until one morning, after a night of drinking riddled with crippling hangxiety, where I decided to pick up a pen and make a list in my journal. And the list looked like this...
GIVERS | TAKERS |
Music Sleep routine Dancing Seeing Family Fresh Meals Cooking Swimming/Beach Sunshine Walking Watching sunrise/sunset Exercising Breathing Writing Friends Work Cleanliness Drinking water Skin care Reading | Alcohol Binge Eating No sleep Social Media Take away Napping Spending money Toxic people Complaining Gossiping Smoking Distractions Drugs Binge watching Sleeping in Clutter |
I started by writing down all the things that simply gave me energy; the things that recharged me and made me feel at ease… and then I proceeded to list all the things that took that energy away from me; the things that made me feel ill willed and low. Essentially, the things that made me feel detached from myself.
After looking at the list, it all simply just clicked. I am choosing to be this person. I am choosing all of these things listed in the right column, when I have all the opportunity and freedom to choose the things in the left. I am feeling the way that I am now, because I decided to choose the things that made me feel that way.
Inner dialogue is a powerful tool that has taken me 23 years to kind of just understand. When we become adults, we have no one that we no longer need to listen to but ourselves. Our lives are simply in our hands and the outcome of our lives are essentially a series of decisions we choose to make. It’s intimidating, but it doesn’t need to be. We just need to pick ourselves up and raise the conversation that needs to be had.
After I sat with my thoughts and admitted to myself that I didn't want to keep feeling this way, I decided to stop drinking for a month - something I honestly never saw myself being able to do (pathetic… I know). But the truth was, that I didn’t like the person I was becoming so something needed to change. I needed to eliminate something from that right column. Subsequently, making that one minor change gave me the space and energy to make another minor change - go to bed early - which allowed me then to wake up 2 hours earlier – which gave me time to go for a morning walk – which enticed me to eat something healthy for breakfast – which led me to start my working day with a vibrant and clear mind. You get the idea.
Now, I’m not saying that every day you should aim to be 100% productive and always choose the sober, healthy and mindful choices in life, because sometimes sleeping in, ordering take out and having a drink provides you with the kind of energy you need as well… I suppose what I’m trying to say is that life is a game of dominoes and every choice you choose to make has an effect on your future self. Choose the things that will help future you relax and enjoy life with peace of mind.
Like any other relationship, living with ourselves can undoubtedly get quite old, frustrating and mundane at times. Falling into slumps or turning against ourselves is completely normal; but communication is always key. Begin today by checking in with yourself and ask whether you’re satisfied with your choices. I wasn’t not too long ago, but a month later I’ve never been prouder and happier with myself. Look out for you and develop inner dialogue that supports, nourishes and favours yourself! And if you don’t have the energy to start there, that’s okay as well… reach out and ask for help. Your future self deserves it.
Love Chlo xx